Bold Claims

It was my turn to man the stall. It was hot: Lord it was hot. Yet Terry had insisted that I must wear my full bee-keeping outfit and this fuelled my already bad mood. There had been a constant flow of people to the stall and as usual there was much interest in the observation hive. I may as well had been on a loop, explaining every two minutes the same thing again and again and again. I was half way through that all-too overused phrase, "it's very good for hay fever sufferers", when I sneezed.

"Actually", I said offering a tissue to the lady who I'd sneezed over and wondering how I was going to clean the inside of my veil, "I am probably the world's worst affictee of hay fever. I have eaten twice my own body weight in local honey this year but I am still sneezing, wheezing and oozing as badly as ever". And then in an unusual moment of honesty I added, "Honey promotion is infectious, I can't help myself. Beekeepers aren't opposed to making a few bold claims now and then".

I offered a jar to the woman that I had sneezed over and said, "This is local honey, madam, and you eat it with a spoon. You can add it to your tea if you must, or drizzle it on your cornflakes. If your feeling more adventurous you can mix it with yoghurt and have a sickeningly healthy breakfast with muesli or some other horse food. It's high in calories, and if you eat to much it's going to make you fatter, madam. You can rub it in your hair, mix it with sand and avocado and exfoliate with it if you want. Add it to your bath water with essential oils. Use it in the summer as it cuts out harmful rays from the sun. Generally it will make you live much much longer". The lady hurried off.

As she left, an older gentleman approached the stand; he was dressed very smartly in a dark suit, despite the hot weather.

"Hello", he extended jovially, "Have you any Manuka honey?"

The camel in my mind's eye gave way under this final sticky straw that had been placed upon its back. "I thought you were a Manuka honey eater when I first saw you. Will you be happy when our local honey industry lies in ruins? Why on earth do you want honey from New Zealand when we've plenty of the stuff right here?
I know your sort, sitting there under your patio heater in your woollen jumper feeling all environmental doing your bit for the greenhouse effect, refusing to eat British beef, sipping mineral water that has been driven here from the Alps".

"But it has medicinal properties" stammered the man, somewhat taken aback, "It's good for wounds and things"

I looked sky-ward. "So when you are being rushed to casualty I expect you will be pleading with the nursing staff to apply nothing but honey tom your flesh wounds. Well, maybe they'll fill your drip with the stuff, Medicinal properties" I snorted, "Germolene and Savlon weren't invented for a laugh you know".
"…. Well, err…..I wondered if you have any soap that has honey in it", the man floundered.

A generation ago, you would have been proud of a well-starched shirt and bed sheets that creaked when you lay on them, and now you come to my stall, all air conditioned and pampered looking for something that will soften your hands. Soap containing honey! Unbelievable!

The man began to edge sideways in a bid to escape my tirade. "Well this time Sir, you are in luck. If it's Manuka honey you want, this is the nearest thing to Manuka honey you'll get. Reaching down behind the table I produced a 1lb jar of unlabelled honey. "You may try this", I said offering the jar to the gentleman who looked at the jar suspiciously.

"What is it?"

"Oh, it's similar to Manuka honey, and like Manuka honey it is very rich in Eucalyptus oil".

The man dipped a plastic spatula into the jar and tasted it. "My goodness, that's perfect, better than the last lot I bought".

"You understand" I said, "that this is a premium product, and therefore commands a higher price than my other honey: a jar that size costs £11.

I was lucky that he was no longer willing to ask too many questions. I had recently been experimenting with making my own Manuka honey and found that I could produce a very reasonable product using four parts honey and a teaspoon of Vicks Vapour rub. The ointment contains the same eucalyptus oil which gives Manuka honey that particular flavour that some people seem to enjoy. I am still not sure if it is the flavour of this honey that attracts so much interest, it might be the bold claim of it's medicinal property but more likely it is the extortionate price that reassures people of it's supposed quality.

Having relieved the gentleman of his £11, I pulled off one of my sweaty bee-keeping gloves and left the tent. Behind me I heard Roger Tilley greeting a new customer, "It's very good news if you have hay fever…….." I heard him saying.

Chad Cryer