Swarm Collection

I write this as a lesson to all others who may find themselves as weak in the face of temptation as I did. I have had much time to reflect upon my misdoings and have reasoned, that by coming clean, I can prevent other souls from being lost down the same path that I took.

Having been called out many times the previous summer to collect swarms, I realised that there was a great deal of money to be had from offering my services as a swarm collector. I therefore advertised widely in the local area with my name and number in the local shop, the pub and with the local police station. So it was that the phone began ringing it was quite exciting at first, popping off here and there to collect swarms. On one particular day I hived a swarm and brought it back to my home apiary only to find that some minutes later the swarm had re-emerged and re-formed their cluster on a nearby apple tree. That got me thinking. My thoughts are not always good ones. The following afternoon I was phoned by a rather distraught elderly couple in Ashton Keynes. Would I be able to please come and deal with a swarm that had appeared on their washing line post? I certainly could and, informing them that there would be a small (yet not crippling) collection fee. I was there within the hour. It was not a large swarm, two frames worth I'd say. I shook the bees into my box and waited for the remaining stragglers to find their way through the entrance hole. The majority of the bees were in the box by the time I'd finished the two cups of tea and three slices of local fete winning fruit cake that I'd been given. Having bid my farewell to the elderly couple, who expressed their gratitude with a bag of gooseberries, as I made off, I felt like Robin Hood going merrily on my way with the nuked swarm on the back seat of my car.

That's when it all went wrong. Two miles down the road, at the entry to a rather well-to-do housing estate. I stopped the car, looked around to see if there was anyone about before opening the car door and tipping the nuked swarm out of the box onto the road. I then closed the door and headed home to wait by the phone. Sure enough after an hour the phone rang. It was no great surprise that the voice on the phone belonged to the owner of the house and garden nearest to my release site. 'Oh really?' I said in reply to the panicked voice on the phone. 'A swarm arrived just before, did it?"…As big as a football you say?'(I knew perfectly well that the swarm was no bigger than the size of a baked bean tin) 'Very well, I am a little busy' I continued looking at my cup, of coffee, 'but I'll come just as soon as I can. Keep an eye on the swarm, stay indoors and what ever you do, don't go near it, swarms can be very dangerous', I said reassuringly. And just before I hung up I mentioned 'I do ask for a collection fee…' A warm feeling ran through me as I heard the words 'would pay anything to get rid of them'.

With regard to payment I always applied a sliding scale to my charges for swarm collection. An elderly couple who had fought two world wars for my freedom would not be charged so much as a business man who understood that he should pay for my petrol, time and (most expensively) my expertise. After all, I thought, isn't money made round so that it can roll towards me?

My swarm collection service was stretched to its limit throughout the summer months, which is why I decided to employ Bill. (I have of course changed names to protect the innocent) He and I worked together in a capture and release partnership. At the height of the season, we re-captured the same swarm thirteen times and were operating about twenty swarms throughout Wiltshire. I even began my own queen rearing program, selecting only those bees which showed a strong tendency to swarm. I can highly recommend Italian bees for this purpose, I had little luck with raising carniolans with such a strong swarming urge.

Greed is a terrible thing and with time Bill and I became rather blasé about the whole procedure. The length of time we were prepared to wait for the summoning phone-call grew less and less. Soon we fell into the trap of pre-empting the phone call. I remember that in a few instances I even pre-empted the arrival of a swarm, knocking on a front door and telling some bemused looking soul that I had come to collect a swarm (that they were completely unaware of) from their garden. There were also a few awkward moments when I was stood looking around a back garden feeling like a chump, muttering 'I had a feeling that there might be a bee swarm about', but wondering whether Bill had really released the bees at all.

It would be fair to say that I gained an almost mystical status in Wiltshire for being able to turn up just in the nick of time whenever a swarm appeared. I received a massive amount of publicity by releasing a swarm behind the marquee at the church fete. At 1.30pm the vicar was beside himself with worry, wondering whether to cancel the event which was scheduled to start at 2pm. I can vividly recall the photo of me that appeared in the parish magazine, 'Vicar-tory for the beekeeper!' it said. Looking back I realise now that I had fallen in league with the devil and that there was no health in me. I was, on the other hand making a great deal of not-so-hard-earned cash and that (as you know) can disguise a great host of deleterious feelings. My fame and notoriety spread like wild fire or wild swarms, as I was keen to tell people. Certainly the statistician would be able to tell you that in 2004 there was somewhere in the region of a 400% increase in the incidence of swarming in the Wiltshire area. No doubt it was a disgruntled beekeeper (jealous and suspicious of the number of swarms I was taking) that blew the whistle on me and brought my enterprise crashing down around me.

Not only was I filmed operating my capture and release technique, but a phone call was made to the Inland Revenue which left me with the impossible job of explaining away the inexplicable trappings of my by then lavish cash-in-hand lifestyle. Of course I should of seen that one coming; I know of no other beekeeper who turns up to take swarms in a brand new S Class Mercedes. (bought with five and ten pound notes)

Bill and I are now into our third month of community service and spend our days picking up chewing gum from the pavements of Chippenham. I realise now the error of my ways and have been made aware of the hurt I have caused to my friends and family. Naturally, I was made to pay back the £20,456 that I had acquired through my "enterprise" but it was a greater blow to be expelled from the Melksham & District Beekeepers Association.

Chad Cryer

Ex- MBKA member